A couple of years ago, friends of mine were itinerating missionaries and visited another church in Illinois where they met Amber. After spending a bit of time chatting with her, they encouraged her and I to connect and well, connect we did! We've built a relationship of mentorship and prayer support as well as friendship.
Recently Amber began studying for ministerial credentials as she is seeking to be obedient to the direction God is giving her for her future. Part of her assignments for her classes is to put what she is learning into practical platforms that will serve God's people. I was gladly willing to allow her to guest post here on The Preacher Chick. One of the kindest things you can do for Amber is to not just read but to give her feedback. Leave a comment at the end of the post letting her know how her message impacted you, challenged you, led you to seek the Lord more. So, here's Amber!
Forgiving Like Jesus
We’ve all been hurt by someone close to us. Experiencing that kind of pain is, well, painful. We all deal with our pain (and those who have hurt us) in different ways. Maybe we stuff the pain down to avoid feeling it or dealing with it, or maybe we just pretend like nothing is wrong to keep the peace and call it “moving on?” If you can relate to either of those scenarios, let me assure you that you’re a perfectly normal human being. But can I ask you a question? Is it working? Do you feel better when you stuff your pain down? Do you feel relief in “keeping the peace?” Does moving on actually feel like moving on and moving forward, or do you feel stuck? Stuck in a never ending cycle that momentarily feels like peace, but always circles back around to heartache and anger. Stuck wondering if you’ll ever be fully
free of the burden of that pain, the burden of that heart wrenching situation, the burden of your anger and resentment, and glued to your past. That was me, I was stuck. What I’ve learned is that the miracle of living through painful experiences is the wisdom gained and being able to share that wisdom to help people who are walking similar roads. So, if you feel stuck and nobody has told you that there’s a better way, that’s what I’m here to do today. But I don’t just want to tell you that there’s a better way, I want to walk with you through the process of breaking apart everything you think you know, so that we can rebuild a healthy and Biblical understanding of how we break free from these cycles that keep us stuck.
At this point, you’re probably wondering what I’m talking about, right? I’ll tell you- I’m talking about forgiveness, but not your typical, worldly idea of forgiveness. I want to talk about true forgiveness-forgiving like Jesus. In Colossians 3:13 it says “Make an allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Seems pretty straight forward. But I believe that true forgiveness has been skewed by the world and therefore it’s heavily misunderstood. Because of this misunderstanding, we either (a) don’t choose to forgive because it seems too painful or too difficult, or (b) we don’t fully forgive because we don’t actually know what that means. So I’m going to share with you what I’ve discovered forgiveness to be- what it is and what it isn’t, and the difference between how the world perceives it and how the Bible teaches it. My goal is that you walk away from this with a clear understanding of what forgiveness is and how to put it into practice, and my prayer is that you come to realize (as I did) the freedom that comes from truly forgiving those who have sinned against you. Let’s get started by talking about what forgiveness is NOT, because I think we need to understand that before we can understand what it IS. So, first and foremost:
Forgiveness is not a feeling.
I looked up the word “forgive” in the dictionary and saw that it is defined in two ways; the very first definition (and who even looks past the very first definition anyway) is this: “Stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” Have you ever tried to just stop being angry? Just stop. How about to just stop being offended? Don’t be offended, just stop. It’s not a thing, that’s not how feelings work. The dictionary, the book that was quite literally meant to form our basis of understanding of words, is defining forgiveness in a way that doesn’t even make sense. So our very understanding of the word and of the action involved is fundamentally flawed. It’s no wonder forgiveness can seem so overwhelming and impossible. If we understand forgiveness the way the dictionary defines it, we get the feelings and the action all mixed up. To forgive- the action of forgiveness- is not a feeling, but the feelings involved in taking the steps to forgive are real and they don’t just stop. Dealing with our feelings and processing through them is one of the first steps to true
forgiveness. It’s only after we’ve accepted what’s happened and acknowledged our feelings that we can move forward in the action of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “Forgive and forget.” It’s such a quaint notion, but the very idea that we could simply will away a memory and any pain that went along with it is silly at best. The embarrassing part is that I used to use this phrase. I really believed that “moving forward” in forgiveness meant forgetting. But we don’t really forget, do we? That’s the wrong word. What we do is ignore. My opinion is that forgetting (or ignoring) is something that the world made up, to gloss over pain and make it easier to move on by neglecting to address all the feelings involved, because feelings are hard. But maybe I can free you from the ridiculousness of the phrase “forgive and forget” by telling you that forgetting pain on command isn’t Biblical, nor is it humanly possible. And ignoring pain isn’t helpful, nor
is it loving. The Bible says in Daniel 9:9 that “The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, EVEN THOUGH we have rebelled against him.” Even though. God doesn’t forget our sin; He shows us mercy in spite of it. So the Biblical example- the ultimate example- is not forgetting the sins against us, it’s forgiving in spite of them…and it occurs to me how much more powerful that is than forgetting- to forgive, knowing full well the offense.
Forgiveness is not a free pass.
Granting forgiveness does NOT mean that what happened to you is okay. It does not make the offense acceptable, normal, or right. My mom always said, “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” Forgiveness isn’t acceptance of the sin, but acceptance of the sinner. Take the story of Joseph, for example. From the very beginning of his story in Genesis 37 we read that Joseph’s brothers hated him, and because of their hatred they planned to kill him. BUT since killing him wouldn’t benefit them, they decided to sell him instead. Long story short, Joseph becomes a slave in Egypt and he prospers there, then he’s thrown into prison after being falsely accused of raping his master’s wife but he prospers there as well. He interprets
dreams, he’s made ruler over Egypt, and eventually his brothers wind up in Egypt looking for help during a famine. To give you some perspective, note that 13 years pass from the time Joseph is betrayed by his brothers to the time he is made ruler over Egypt (Genesis 37-41), and another 7 years pass before he sees his brothers again. So, 20 years later, Joseph’s brothers show up in Egypt and, of course, they don’t recognize him. In Genesis 45, after a great deal of emotional turmoil, Joseph reveals his identity to his brothers. But it’s only after putting them through several tests to determine if they were worthy of his trust. Here’s what Joseph says to them (Genesis 45:5), “And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.”
Later he says one of my favorite lines, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good…” (Genesis 50:20). Do you see that forgiveness doesn’t mean trusting like nothing ever happened? Joseph fully recognized the offense of his brothers, and he absolutely did not give them a free pass. He openly acknowledged the wrong doing and took measures to assure his safety and their intentions before allowing them back into his life.
Forgiveness is not [always] an invitation.
Reconciliation has always been part of God’s plan. In 2 Corinthians 5:17-19 it says “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this message of reconciliation.” So, God sent Jesus as the ultimate form of reconciliation and as an example to us, but we are far from the perfection of Jesus, aren’t we? Reconciliation isn’t always an option, and for various reasons. I’ll give you a few
examples: Number one, it takes two to reconcile. If one person isn’t willing to take that step, we can’t force it. In this case, we have to release control of the situation and let go of our need for closure. Number two, it may simply be unsafe to reconcile a relationship. Abusive situations are the perfect example of this. Number three, a necessary boundary tells our offender that there will be no invitation to reconcile until trust has been reestablished. Whatever the case, forgiveness CAN happen even when reconciliation can’t. But while we’re taking steps toward forgiveness, we need to also take steps towards protecting our hearts. In John 8:11 Jesus says to an adulterous woman, “Neither do I condemn you, but go and sin no more.” The message is that grace gives the opportunity to change, but it is never a license
to continue to sin. When we forgive, we cannot expect change, but we can set boundaries that encourage it. If change doesn’t occur there are consequences, and sometimes the consequence is the lack of relationship and closeness- the lack of an invitation. As a side note, understanding forgiveness is a segue to understanding boundaries, and setting appropriate boundaries is part of the whole process.
Boundaries help us protect our hearts and honor our values, and they allow us to move forward in forgiveness and peace without inviting repeat offenses and further pain.
So now that we’ve talked about what forgiveness ISN’T, let’s talk about what it IS.
Forgiveness is a merciful and complete cancelling of debt.
Forgiveness is mentioned in the Bible over 100 times, that’s in all of its forms- forgive, forgiven, forgiveness, forgivenesses, forgiveth, and forgiving. There are 9 different ways that those words can be translated depending on the context. In looking at all of the Hebrew and Greek translations, here’s what I found: every form of the word, even in different contexts and languages, is defined similarly, all using words like pardon, spare, to lift, lay aside, cancel, release, to free fully, to freely give, and to be merciful. So, to fully, freely, and mercifully cancel a debt owed is the heart of forgiveness. We’ve all been treated poorly, and often times we feel that we deserve something to make up for it…maybe it’s as basic as feeling like we’re owed an apology or an explanation, or maybe it’s deeper than that and we want to get even. Either way, we hold onto those thoughts and feelings and we store them away. We don’t cancel the debt, we save it for later! Micah 6:8 says “He has shown you, o mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” To love mercy. In Psalms 130:3-4 it says, “If you, Lord, kept a record of our sins, Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.” Think about this- if WE keep a record of all the sins against us, all the ways we’ve been treated unfairly or unjustly, who could stand? Nobody. Let that sink in for a minute. Nobody could stand because the Bible says that all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God (Romans 3:23). Jesus cancelled our debt on the cross. We didn’t deserve it, but he showed us that mercy, as he shows us that mercy every day when we mess up. With Jesus there is forgiveness- complete, merciful forgiveness. And since Jesus is our model, that same kind of forgiveness is expected of us.
Forgiveness is giving up the right to be treated fairly.
In Matthew 18, Peter approaches Jesus and asks, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” Jesus answered, “No, not seven times, but seventy times seven.” Jesus was exaggerating to make the point that forgiveness has no limits. Then he goes on to tell the Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor. In this parable, a servant in the king’s house owes the king a lot of money. The king shows the servant mercy by completely forgiving his very large debt. So what does the servant do? He turns around and forcefully demands a small debt owed to him to be paid in full. When the king finds out, he’s angry (obviously!). After all, he showed mercy to the servant, so why didn’t the servant pay it
forward? The story ends with the servant being imprisoned until his debt is paid, and Jesus tells Peter that God will do the same thing to him if he refuses to forgive. I believe this is another exaggeration to make a point. If we expect to be treated fairly, we need to treat others fairly…that’s the golden rule anyway, is it not?! But in dealing with messy humans, sometimes we have to give up the idea that we deserve to be treated fairly. Sometimes we have to give up our rights in order to win others. That is exactly what Paul does in 1 Corinthians 9. He spends a whole chapter talking about supposed rights, but he says that he’d give it all up in order to win people’s hearts for Christ, because he recognizes that as
his calling. Putting aside our entitled nature isn’t easy, but we’re called to it. A preacher friend of mine calls it “Giving up your right to be a jerk,” and she’s right on in that phrasing. As Christians, we are called to the kind of selflessness that lays aside human rights and entitlement, and freely gives, for the sake of the kingdom of God.
Forgiveness is a choice.
I’m sure you’ve heard it said that love is a choice. Well, contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is also a choice. Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I don’t feel like I can forgive so and so…?” Well here’s a news flash- you don’t FEEL forgiveness (we already talked about that, remember?), you wake up every day and you choose it. Jesus chose once and for all, not to look in the direction of our sin…not forgetting it, but fully pardoning it. The human mind is different than the mind of God though, isn’t it? We have to make a DAILY decision to forgive. But to choose forgiveness takes willingness, and sometimes it takes time to feel willing. This is where prayer (and sometimes a lot of it) comes into play…we have to be
faithful to ask God to change our hearts and our minds. Maybe that prayer sounds something like, “God, I don’t know how to do this, sometimes I’m not even sure I want to, but help me make the choice to forgive.” Jesus says in Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Hebrews 4:16 says to come boldly before the throne of God, and there we will receive His mercy and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. The Bible also says not to be anxious about anything, but instead to make our requests known to Him through prayer, and THEN peace that is beyond understanding will guard our hearts and minds (Philippians 4:6-7). And Jesus himself says that the Lord’s power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). All of these scriptures tell me that God WILL show up for me when I ask Him to. Scientifically speaking (can I go there? Because I am…), sometimes our brains get stuck in certain thought patterns and in order to bring about change we have to rewire the brain by challenging the truth (or lack thereof) in negative thoughts. This is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. We CAN make the choice to forgive, and I believe that God’s help is absolutely essential in that, but I am also a believer in practical, physiological
understanding. Switch On your Brain, by Dr. Caroline Leaf is an excellent book that pairs Biblical truth with science and brain functioning. In her book she quotes 2 Corinthians 10:5, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” She says “You have to choose to get rid of the toxic and get back in alignment with God.” God desires us to live in Peace with one another (Ephesians 4:3), and He desires for us to be kind and compassionate towards one another (Ephesians 4:32). The choice to forgive may not come easy, but it must come if we are to live in alignment with God.
Forgiveness is freedom.
“Hatred preserves pain.” I saw that quote in the notes from a sermon preached by my friend, Stacey, and it spoke volumes to me. When we hold hatred and bitterness in our hearts rather than releasing forgiveness, we do ourselves a disservice. You see, forgiveness is the gift of freedom FOR ME. FOR YOU. Forgiveness frees us from our past and allows us to proceed into the future without the weight of old hurt, regret, shame, guilt, and suffering. It allows us to develop relationships without the shadow of wounds from the past, without viewing people [who had nothing to do with our past wounds] in light of those wounds. It allows us the freedom of a sound mind, and expanded mental, emotional, and physical capacity. Dr. Henry Cloud, a well-known Christian psychiatrist, uses a really great (and gross) illustration
that I’d like to share with you, he says, “When you metabolize food, you take what’s helpful and it becomes new capacities within you. What do you do with what’s not helpful? You eliminate it. So think about this- when we go through hurtful experiences in life, there’s something in there we learn and we create wisdom. But the pain, you want to eliminate that and leave it in the past…which side of the body does the crap come out of? It’s behind me, right? Well, people who don’t forgive, they’re walking backwards into life and they’re stepping in it and it just keeps going.” Interesting thought, isn’t it?
Unforgiveness is a crap trap! But when we follow the path to forgiveness, wisdom is generated, and we land on growth and peace. Romans 12:18 says “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone.” If it is possible, as far as it depends on ME…you see, I can have peace without permission from my offender. If I’ve done all that I can to make peace in the hurtful situation but my offender doesn’t reciprocate, I am free to move on in forgiveness toward that person. I am not required to live in guilt or shame, and I am not required to wait for that person to come around. The peace of the Lord is not dependent on the status of my offender’s heart, it’s dependent on mine. That scripture goes on to say, “Do not be overcome by evil, overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).” The enemy is thrilled
when we hold anger and bitterness in our hearts, because it keeps us in bondage to sin! But when we choose forgiveness, we loose the Holy Spirit in our lives, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom!
I know first-hand that forgiveness isn’t easy, BUT I want to ask you this- if it was easy, would it be very meaningful? I don’t think so. Before Jesus was taken to be crucified, he was praying. In Luke 22:42-44 Jesus says, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done. An angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.” I just want you to imagine that scene for a minute. Continuing in verse 45, “When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep…” The story goes on with Judas betraying Jesus by turning him in to the very people who wanted him dead. Next, Peter denies knowing Jesus. In one version it says Peter “disowns” him. Then Jesus is
made fun of, he is put on trial and falsely accused, he is beaten, humiliated, and hung on a cross to die. Jesus felt physical and emotional pain, he felt distress, anguish, and I imagine he felt disappointment as well. Everything about what Jesus was feeling tells me that he should have walked away from that cross. But he didn’t, instead he prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing (Luke 23:34).” It wasn’t easy, but Jesus chose forgiveness. God chose forgiveness. Not partial forgiveness or conditional forgiveness- a full pardon was requested and granted. And in turn, freedom was granted. My freedom of mind, freedom of sanity, freedom to live in peace, freedom to be present in relationships, freedom to live without chains binding me to my anger and my past, and my freedom from sin, is dependent on my willingness to forgive those who have sinned against me.
In closing, I want to share with you this very powerful quote from a book called The Traveler’s Gift, by Andy Andrews: “I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness. Many are the times when I have seethed in anger at a word or a deed thrown into my life by an unthinking or uncaring person. Valuable hours have been wasted imagining revenge or confrontation.
Now I see the truth revealed about this psychological rock inside my shoe. The rage I nurture is often one-sided, for my offender seldom gives thought to his offense! I will now and forevermore silently offer my forgiveness even to those who do not see that they need it. By the act of forgiving, I am no longer consumed by unproductive thoughts. My bitterness is given up. I am contented in my soul and effective again with my fellow man. I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit…” We’ve all experienced hurt, and I won’t pretend to know how deep or wide your hurt runs. But I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that forgiveness is the answer to your healing. Like Lysa Terkeurst says in her book, Forgiving What You
Can’t Forget, “The more our pain consumes us, the more it will control us.” My friends, your pain has controlled you long enough, it’s time for you to choose freedom. No more stuffing down feelings or glossing over pain, no more time spent stuck in endless, burdensome cycles of anger, and no more giving the world’s idea of forgiveness a sweet candy coating with words like “moving on” or “keeping peace.” Remember when I asked you if what you’re doing is working- if how you’re dealing with your pain and those who have hurt you, is working? If you answered no, stop it with the insanity and try something different. As I hope you’ve come to understand and believe, the world’s way is deceptive and only prolongs pain and suffering by chaining you to your past, but Jesus’s way is life; its full freedom and
peace beyond understanding, and that life only comes from releasing true forgiveness daily.
Amber Bricker is a wife, a mom and teacher to two wild ones (and in the process of adopting), a dedicated coffee drinker, and a lover of all things Jesus. Amber has a heart for serving the church, and so has committed herself to her church in rural Illinois as the worship leader and self-proclaimed decorator and ideas girl. She has a knack for writing and speaking, and enjoys sharing the wisdom that comes from having a relationship with the Lord and from studying scripture. Amber values spending time with family and friends, so you’ll often find her at home teaching or playing with her kids, or out having a good cup of coffee with a good friend. She is passionate about caring for her many house plants, eating delicious food, supporting small businesses, watching good TV, helping people live well, and traveling. Amber plans to take her family and her passions on the road someday, wherever and whenever God leads.
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